ALL ABOUT GOLF
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A doctor, an architect and an attorney were eating lunch one day
at the golf club when their conversation turned to their pet dogs, who
according to each of them, were extraordinary. They decided to bet on who had
the most intelligent dog. The doctor decided to show his dog first and turned
and called out to his dog. "Hippocrates, come!" ---------------------- A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the
obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor
informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses,
reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Fred Brown died." |
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---------------------
A man goes into a bar for a cold beer. He is sitting next to a
nice looking lady and a conversation ensues. "So what's your name" he
asks her.
"Carmen" she says. "It
used to be Mary Lou, but since I love cars and men, I changed it to
Carmen."
"That's a pretty cool idea" the man replies.
The young gal says to him, "So what's your name?"
He thinks for a few seconds and says "Beergolf."
-------------------
Two long time golfers were standing at the 3rd tee overlooking the
river. One golfer looked to the other and said, "Look at those idiots
fishin' in the rain."
-----------------------
A businessman was
attending a Conference in Africa. He
had a free day and wanted to play a round of Golf. He asked whether there was
any course in the vicinity and was directed to one in the jungle. After a short
journey, he arrived at the Course and advised the Pro that he wanted to play 18
holes.
"Sure," said
the Pro, "What's your Handicap?"
"Well, it's
14," said the Businessman, "But I don't see the relevance since I
shall be playing alone."
"No, it's very
important for us to know," said the Pro. The Pro then called a Caddy.
"Go out with this Gentleman," said the Pro, "his handicap is
14."
The businessman was very
surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. However, he paid it no more attention. The Caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large Rifle which
he slung over his shoulder. Again the
businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.
They arrived on the 1st
Hole, a Par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the
Caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck hooked his ball into the trees. He
found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of
the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy
stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the most poisonous snake in all Africa," said
the caddy, "you're lucky I was here with you."
After taking a bogey on
the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a Par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the
right," says the caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing
away into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack
of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet.
"I've saved your life again," said the caddy.
The 3rd hole was a Par 3
with a lake in front of the Green. The
businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge
of the lake. He had a shot. However,
he had to place one foot next to the lake edge to be able to play. As he was about to chip the ball on to the
green, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off his right leg. As he fell to the ground, he saw the caddy
with the rifle propped at his side looking on unconcernedly. "Why didn't
you shoot it?" cried the man, writhing in pain. "I'm sorry,
Sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole, you don't get a shot here."
-----------------------
Stevie Wonder and Tiger
Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing
career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad! How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I
think I've got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need
to > stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger Woods says, "You play golf?"
Stevie Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
And Woods says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're
blind?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and
call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him.
Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or
farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of
the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball
towards his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round
sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you
like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night!"
-----------------------
Two friends are playing
golf together. One of them has landed on a dirt track, covered in gravel and
sunken stones.
The owner of the ball
asked his friend: " Do you mind if I have a drop, I cannot play from here,
it's too rough."
"No, I'm sorry, but
you have to play the ball as it lies!"
"But I'm going to
destroy my club, it's all rocks and gravel."
"Tough, no favors,
you play the ball as it lies."
The poor chap stops arguing
and takes his first trial swing and of course, gravel and sparks fly
everywhere. Second swing, same again.
Finally he feels ready,
moves to the ball and hits ... gravel and sparks everywhere, but the ball flies
off beautifully, lands on the green and stops inches from the cup.
"My God, what a
shot! Which club did you use?"
To which he replied
"Your five iron..."
------------
Two guys are out playing
golf. On the first hole, one of them hits his drive right into the water.
He takes a brand new ball
out of his bag, tees it up and proceeds to hit the second ball just like the
first -- right into the water.
Again he takes out a
brand new ball and again the same result.
The other guy looks at
him and asks, "Why do you continue to take out brand new balls and hit
them into the water? Why don't you use an old ball?"
"I would," the
other guy replies, "But I've never had an old ball!"
---------------
A golfer hits a wicked
slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly
missing another golfer.
When the first golfer
gets to his ball, he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him
of the near miss.
"I'm sorry, I
didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer.
"That's funny"
replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'S#*T!'"
--------------
A blonde guy gets home
early from the golf course and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to
find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he
says.
"I'm having a heart
attack", cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to
grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says
"Daddy, Daddy!! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes
on".
The guy slams the phone
down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips
open the wardrobe door.
Sure enough, there is
his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
"You rotten
bastard", says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're
running around naked, scaring the kids".
---------------
Having led an
interestingly dissolute life composed largely of women, drinking, gambling and
golf, but not necessarily in that order, at the end of it, the new arrival was
not too surprised to find himself in hell. He was however quite surprised to
find that his particular corner of Hell was an eighteen-hole golf course
complete with gentle woods, a cool serene lake, well kept fairways, immaculate
greens and a clubhouse with the usual professional's shop.
The man's delight was
complete when he read the shop's notice:
HELP YOURSELF. ALL
EQUIPMENT FREE.
"Well, this is
going to be tough to take," he said as he chose a bag containing perfectly
matched clubs.
So later he went to the
first tee where he took out a driver, gave a delighted practice swing and then
felt in the ball pocket. It was empty.
He was about to return
to the shop to remedy the situation when he noticed a grinning figure in red.
"Don't mind
me," the grin grew wider, "and don't bother going back for balls.
There aren't any. That's the hell of it!"
-------------------
Paddy and Patrick were
very keen Irish golfers, so keen that they decided to go over to America for a game
of golf. On the plane they got very excited. However, the captain calls up on
the loud speaker and says that one of the engines had cut-off, there was
nothing to worry about and the arrival in America would be delayed by 1 hour.
Paddy then said to Patrick,
"oh no, we'll miss the pre-match dinner."
Then the captain called
up again 10 minutes later and says another engine had gone, but that it was ok
and they would be 2 hours late.
Paddy then said to
Patrick, "oh no, we'll miss the first three holes."
Again the captain called
up telling everyone that the third engine had gone, but that the plane could
still make it on one engine, although it would be 3 hours before they reached
the airport.
Paddy then said to
Patrick, "oh no, we'll miss the front nine."
Then the captain called
again and said the final engine had gone.
Paddy then said to
Patrick, "oh no, now we'll be stuck up here all night!"
-------------------
These two couples play
golf together regularly at their club, and on the sixth hole, a par four, the
second shot to the green must carry 80 yards over water.
One of the women, Mrs.
Smith, for over a year, could never carry the water, and would always hit into
it, totally psyched out by the presence of the water.
Her friend in the group
suggested that she might want to see a hypnotherapist to overcome her anxiety
near the water. So the woman went to a hypnotherapist for four sessions. In
those sessions, the woman was hypnotized and the therapist would "plant
suggestions" that when playing the second shot on the sixth hole, she
would not see water, but rather a plush green fairway leading all the way up to
the green.
About six months later,
a woman at the club asked whatever happened to Mrs. Smith, that she hadn't seen
her playing golf at the club for almost four months now.
She was informed that
five months earlier, Mrs. Smith had drowned at the par four sixth!
--------------
Explorer: "There we
were surrounded by fierce savages everywhere you looked. They uttered awful
cries and beat their clubs on the ground. . . "
Listener: "Golfers,
probably."
---------------
Tom was a man who knew
all there was to know about golf. He knew all the courses, the champions, their
scores, as well as the prize money the professionals had won for the past fifty
years or more. He had read every book ever published on the game and knew all
there was to know about technique, but, strange to say, he had never played a
game.
Having listened to him
hold forth for so long his friends finally ganged up on him and insisted that
he play a game. It was arranged for the following weekend.
Tom set out with
borrowed clubs and faced the eighteen holes of his home course. Five hours
later he returned with a score of 53 which included four eagles, nine birdies
and a hole in one. Never had anyone seen such a fine performance from a
beginner.
However while the
celebrations were going on in the clubhouse, Tom announced that he would never
play again. "What!" cried his distraught mates. "What!"
echoed the equally distraught pro. "But you could win all sorts of prizes
for the club. You know everything there is to know about the game."
"Not
everything," Tom replied. "The books didn't tell me I'd have to
walk."
--------------
|
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|
"Real golfers, whatever the provocation, never
strike a caddie with the driver. The sand wedge is far more effective." |
Why is it that
single golfers are skinnier than married golfers?
Because after the single
golfer plays his round of golf, he has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole,
goes home and goes to his refrigerator. When he finds nothing decent there, he
goes to bed.
The married golfer on
the other hand, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole after a round of
golf, goes home and goes to bed. When he finds nothing decent there, he goes to
the refrigerator.
---------------
"Doctor, we've got
an emergency! My baby just swallowed my golf tees."
"I'll be there at
once." Said the doctor.
"But what should I
do until you get here?"
"Practice your
putting."
-----------------
Fred called his friend
in tears. "I can't believe it," he sobbed. "My wife left me for
my golfing partner."
"Get a hold of
yourself, man," said his friend.
"There are plenty
of other women out there."
"Who's talking
about her?" said Fred. "He was the only guy that I could ever
beat!"
------------------
A guy is waiting on the
first tee for the rest of his group to arrive when he spots Bill Gates warming
up off to the side.
Thinking this is his
lucky day, he walks over and introduces himself; "Mr. Gates my name is
Jimmy and I'm entertaining clients on the course today, do you think you could
just say hello to me when they arrive? I'd really appreciate it."
Gates says "Sure,
no problem!"
A few minutes later
Jimmy's group is together and Bill walks over and says "Hey Jimmy! How's
it goin?" to which Jimmy says "GET LOST GATES!! Can't you see I'm
busy??"
-----------------------
A couple was golfing one
day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On
the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the
ball - don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and
shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The
husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! All
right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to
cost."
They walked up, knocked
on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."
They opened the door and
saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the
foyer. A man sitting on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry
about that." the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you -
I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've
released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish,
and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!"
the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my
life."
"No problem - it's
the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking
at the wife.
"I want a house in
every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it
done." the genie replied.
"And what's your
wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've
been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand
years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the
wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses,
honey. I guess I don't care."
Neither did the wife.
The genie took the wife
upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled
over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old are you and your husband,
anyway?"
"He's 35 and I'm
33." she replied.
"Amazing.... and
you both still believe in genies?"
-------------------------------
A golfer hit his drive
on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however,
it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but
he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced
back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him.
He was at the Pearly
Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a
golfer, is that correct?"
"Yes, I was,"
he replied.
St Peter then said,
"Do you hit the ball a long way?"
The golfer replied,
"You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"
--------------------------
An Italian, a Frenchman,
and a Scotsman were playing golf on a links course when they spotted a stunning
mermaid on the shore. They all dropped their clubs and ran down for a closer
look.
The mermaid was
incredibly beautiful and voluptuous. The Italian, burning with desire, asked
the mermaid, "Have you ever been fondled?"
"No, I
haven't," whispered the mermaid.
So the Italian walked
over and hugged and fondled her warmly.
The mermaid said,
"Hmmmm, that's nice."
The Frenchman, not to be
outdone, said, "Have you ever been kissed?"
"No, I
haven't," answered the mermaid.
So the Frenchman went
over and kissed her long and slow. "Hmmmm," sighed the mermaid,
"that's nice."
Finally the Scotsman
asked her, "Have you ever been screwed?"
"No, I
haven't," said the mermaid.
"Well, you have
now," said the Scotsman, "cause the tide's out!"
------------------
One day after a hard
round of golf Bill decides to go to a bar. While he is having a drink a man
comes in the bar carrying a large bag and sits down next to him. While he is
asking the bartender for a drink -- music starts to play from the bag. Bill is
curious and asks the man where that music comes from. The man willingly pulls
out a magic lamp and a little man playing a piano. Bill is amazed! And he asks
if the genie would grant him a wish as well. The man told him to go for it, but
to be careful what he wished for.
Bill rubbed the lamp and
a genie popped out and told the man that he would grant him one wish. The man
answers, "I would like a million bucks." The genie asks if he's sure,
and Bill answers again, "I want a million bucks."
One by one, a million
ducks appear in the bar. Bill was so angry that he starts yelling at the man
with the lamp. "I asked for a million bucks what the heck are all these
damn ducks doing in here?!" The man simply responded, "You think I
asked for a 12 inch pianist."
-------------------
Jon and Miguel were out
playing golf one day, when suddenly Jon grabs his chest and says, "I think
I’m having a heart attack!"
Miguel replies, "It
had better be a heart attack because if it’s a stroke I’m marking it
down!"
---------------------
The duffer muffed his
tee shot into the woods then hit into a few trees then proceeded to hit his
next shot across the fairway into more woods.
Finally, after banging
away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap where he noticed
that the club pro had been watching him.
"What club should I
use now?" he asked the pro.
"I don't
know," the pro replied "what game are you playing?"
------------------
A vacationing golfer was
out playing on a course that he had never played before. He hired a caddy from
the pro shop to show him the layout of the course, and help him decide what
shots to play.
On the first tee, the
golfer miss hit his shot, and it dribbled forward about 15 yards. He was
slightly embarrassed, but determined to play a better second shot. He hit his
second shot into the bordering fairway, and his third shot into a sand trap. By
the time he holed out on this Par 4, he was 6 over par.
The man turned to his
caddy and said, "Well, I have never played this badly before!"
To which the caddy
replied, "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."
--------------------
Three men were standing
on the first tee, about to hit, when a beautiful young woman approached and
asked if she could make up a foursome.
Naturally, the men were delighted
to have the company of such a stunning female. The young lady was given the
honor and preceded to hook her shot into the thick bush.
The first man teed off,
caressing his drive 220 yards straight down the center of the fairway.
"What a wonderful drive," commented the woman.
"Not bad for a man
with a wooden leg," replied the first golfer.
The young lady,
disbelief evident on her face, required proof of this handicap. Player 1
promptly sat down and, to the sounds of squeaking and rattling, proceeded to
unscrew his leg.
The woman was
flabbergasted. The second man then addressed his ball and drove it 250 yards to
the left-hand edge of the fairway. Once again the young lady made comment on
the magnificence of the drive.
"Not bad for a man
with an artificial arm," stated the second golfer. The young lady was
skeptical, so player 2, to the sounds of screeching metal, unscrewed his arm as
proof. Again the young lady was astounded.
The third man walked up
to the tee and monstered his ball 320 yards to the edge of the green. The
woman, by now almost speechless, could only manage a muttered,
"Unbelievable."
"Thank you,"
was his reply, "I shall help you look for your ball," he said to the
beautiful young lady. The young lady and the third male, set off to search the
bush for the lost ball whilst the other two players strolled down the center of
the fairway. "I wonder why Bill didn't let on about his artificial
heart," said the first male to the second.
Suddenly, the quiet was
interrupted by the sounds of moans and groans and rattling scrub. The two
players rushed to where the sounds were coming from, and sure enough, there was
Bill, screwing his heart out.
----------------
Recently while on a golf
trip in North Carolina I was talking to one of the guys on the trip and he
related to me how his wife had really been on his case for playing so much
golf.
He stated that she had
become more and more upset about his ever-increasing golf trips. In a moment of
shear frustration, she told him, "You know dear our sex life seems to be
non- existent and I think it is because you are always playing golf."
After giving her comment
some serious consideration he calmly replied, "Dear, when you start
screwing me as much as my golf clubs our sex life will be okay!"
---------------------
There was a foursome of
ladies about to play a par three, 165 yards long. Suddenly, out from the trees
beside the fairway... a streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway.
In a gasp, one lady
remarked "I think I know that guy... isn't that Dick Green?"
"No" replied
another, "I think it's a reflection of the grass!"
-----------------
Tom and Ted met at their
favorite golf course for a round. Ted was about to tee off when he noticed that
Tom was holding in his hand a very unorthodox golf ball. What caught his eye
was that it had roughly eight colors.
"Say Tom, what kind
of ball is that? I’ve never seen so many colors."
Tom replies, "Well
Ted this ball is really quite something. If you hit it into the bunker, little
wheels pop out and it rolls itself out of the sand. If you hit into the rough,
a small blade trims the grass down around the ball. If you hit into the lake a
tiny sail unfolds and the breeze will blow it over to you. And if you hit into
the deep grass, a beeper will sound and direct you to where it is!"
Ted says, "That’s
terrific, where can I get a ball like that?"
Tom replies, "I
don’t know Tom; I found this one."
---------------
A married couple was
sitting at the dinner table one evening when the wife suddenly broke down in tears.
Taken completely by surprise, the husband could barely spit out a "What's
wrong?"
"I'll tell you
what's wrong," she said. "There's no romance left in our marriage.
After all these years, I'm just old news to you. You couldn't care less about
me. The only thing you care about is your stupid golf. You haven't cared since
the day we got married."
"Oh, honey,"
he said, taking her hand gently in his.
"How could you say
such a ridiculous thing? The day we were married is engrained in my mind like
no other day in my life."
"Do you really mean
it?" she cried.
"Of course I
do," he declared. "How could I forget it? The day before I got my
first eagle."
------------
Robert went to see his
doctor. He wasn't feeling well at all. He felt tired, run down, and generally
suffering from exhaustion.
"My diagnosis is
simply that you are worn out," said the doctor. "I believe you've
been playing too much golf."
"Too much
golf," exclaimed Robert. "What can I do?"
"You need to take
some time off and relax," said the doctor. "My advice to you is to
spend some time at the office."
-------------
Son, father and
grandfather are playing as a threesome when a beautiful blonde asks to join
them. Obviously
they agree and all play the round of their lives.
On the last hole, the blonde
has a two-foot putt for her best score ever and promises the best night of
sexual passion to any of the three who will help her in making her putt.
The son starts and says,
"Smooth stroke, uphill, be firm against the grain."
The father then adds,
"Break left 2 inches, play the drop".
Grandpa analyzes the
situation and tells the beauty, "Your place or mine? That's a gimme."
--------------
A retired physician had
a regular routine following his daily round of golf. He would always go to the
club bar and order a daiquiri.
All the ingredients had
to be measured exactly and if there was even the slightest deviation, he would
reject it. In addition, he insisted that his drink be topped off with a half
pecan.
One day when the doctor
came in for his drink, the bartender was caught without any pecans. He did have
some hickory nuts, however, and figured the doctor would not know the
difference.
So he put a hickory nut
in the daiquiri and handed it to the doctor.
With one sip, the doctor
shoved the drink back to the bartender with the exclamation, "THIS IS NOT
A PECAN DAQUIRI."
"Why no,"
exclaimed the bartender, "THAT'S A HICKORY DAQUIRI DOC."
-------------
Two men were out golfing
when one man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the
doctor."
"Don't do
that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the
drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All
you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will
give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."
The man figured he had
nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding
the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to
buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of
paper popped out on which was printed: You have Golf Elbow. Soak your arm in
warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two
weeks.
That evening, as the man
contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud.
To test his theory, he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his
dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off,
he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore,
poured it in the machine and deposited $10.
The machine went through
the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following
message: Your tap water has lead; get a filter. Your dog has worms; give him
vitamins. Your daughter is on drugs; get her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant,
it's not your baby; get a lawyer. And if you don't stop playing with yourself,
your golf elbow will never get better.
--------------
Steve, Bob and Jeff are
out golfing on a cloudy day, when it starts raining furiously. Suddenly, Steve
is struck by lightning and is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance
leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife.
Bob says he's good at
this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he
returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.
"So, did you tell
her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob.
"Say, where did you
get the six pack?"
Bob informs Jeff,
"She gave it to me."
"WHAT??"
exclaims Jeff, "You just told her that her husband died and she gave you a
six pack?"
"Sure," Bob
says. "WHY?" asks Jeff.
"Well," Bob
continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'Are you Steve's
widow?'
"'Widow?' she said,
'No, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'
"So I said:
"I'll bet you a six pack you ARE!'"
------------
Mr. Nicklaus, "Your
name is synonymous with golf-You really know your way around the course. What
is your secret?"
Jack's response?
"The holes are numbered!"
-------------
After another poor
showing on the golf course, Bob was complaining to Joe.
"That’s it,"
he said. "This is all getting me nowhere. I think I’m going to take a golf
psychiatry course."
"Why," asked
his friend, "so you can improve your mind?"
"No," he said.
"So I can find out why I’m letting this stupid game drive me out of
it!"
--------------
A beautiful blonde and a
young man are paired up at a golf course. At first tee, the blonde looks at the
young man and tries to start a conversation saying, "T. G. I. F."
The young man replies,
"S. H. I. T."
The blonde replies a
little louder, "T. G. I. F."
The young man replies
louder, "S. H. I. T."
The blonde replies a
even louder, "T. G. I. F."
The young man replies
louder, "S. H. I. T."
The blonde replies,
"Thank God It's Friday."
The young man replies,
"Sorry Honey It's Thursday."
------------
One day a man went
golfing. On the fourth tee he was separated from his friends momentarily, and
bumped into a passing demon. "Hey," said the demon, "How'd you
like to make a hole in one?"
"What's the
catch?" said the man suspiciously.
"It will shorten
your sex life by five years," replied the demon.
"Hmmm . . .
okay," said the man, and went on to make a spectacular shot, a hole in
one, just as ordered. On the next tee, he again bumped into the demon.
"How'd you like to make it two holes-in-one, back-to-back?" said the
demon.
"It's only been
done five times in the history of golf."
"What's the pay
back this time?" said the man. "It will shorten your sex life by
another twenty years," said the demon.
"I guess,"
agreed the man, and again he made an amazing shot. All his friends were amazed
and people were coming from miles around to see the man who had made two
holes-in-one in the same game!
On the next hole, the
man again bumped into the demon, who proposed yet again. "Look, another
hole-in-one would mean three in a row. It's never been done in the history of
the world! C'mon!"
"No problem,"
said the man, agreeing.
"What do I have to
give up this time?"
"You may never
touch a person of the opposite sex ever again for the rest of your life."
said the demon.
"Okay!" said
the man.
He went on to make his
third consecutive hole-in-one. …And that's how Father Jones got into the
Guinness Book of Records!
--------------
A group of golfers and a
group of tennis players sat in the same train car on the way to a sports
convention. Each of the tennis players had his/her train ticket, but it became
clear that the group of golfers had only ONE ticket amongst them. The tennis players
started laughing and snickering.
One of the golfers said,
"Here comes the conductor," and they all went into the bathroom.
The tennis players were
puzzled. The conductor came aboard, and said, "Tickets please!" collecting
tickets from all of the tennis players.
He then went to the
bathroom, knocked on the door and said, "Ticket please." The golfers
stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and left, and the
golfers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later.
The tennis players were
impressed. On the way back from the convention, the group of tennis players had
one ticket for the group. However, the golfers didn't buy any tickets. The
tennis players were once again confused.
One of the golfers said,
"Conductor coming!" and, once again, they all went into one bathroom.
All of the tennis players scrambled into another bathroom. Just before the
conductor came on board, one of the golfers left his bathroom, knocked on the
tennis players' bathroom, and said, "Ticket please."
------------
"I don't know about
that new pro," said Dave. "He may be a little strange."
"Why do you think
that?" asked Clyde.
"He just tried to
correct my stance again."
"So?" said
Clyde. "He's just trying to help your game."
"Yeah, I
know," said Dave, "but I was standing at the urinal at the
time."
-----------
A guy wins the
$1,000,000 hole-in-one contest and phones home with the news.
He tells his wife
"Pack your bags, I've just won a million dollars!"
To which she replies,
"Should I pack summer or winter clothes?"
"I don't care, just
don't be there when I get home!" He says