ALL ABOUT GOLF

 

 

A doctor, an architect and an attorney were eating lunch one day at the golf club when their conversation turned to their pet dogs, who according to each of them, were extraordinary. They decided to bet on who had the most intelligent dog. The doctor decided to show his dog first and turned and called out to his dog. "Hippocrates, come!"

Hippocrates came running in, and the doctor told him to do his thing. The dog ran onto the golf course, sniffed around and proceeded to dig up a pile of human bones. He dragged the bones into the club, then assembled them into a complete human skeleton. The doctor praised him and gave him a dog treat.

Well, the architect was hardly impressed. He called to his dog, Sliderule. "Sliderule, come here!" Sliderule ran into the room, and his owner told him to do his stuff. The dog immediately chewed the skeleton to pieces, then reassembled the parts into an astonishing detailed replica of the Taji Mahal! The architect patted his dog on the head and gave him a treat.

The attorney just sat back and called out. "B.S.! Come!" B.S. came flying into the room and without so much as a word from the attorney, ran over to the other two dogs, stole their dog treats, auctioned off the replica of the Taj Mahal to the other members of the club for a huge fee, and then went outside and played a round of golf.

 

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A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says,
"In that case, let it read, 'Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale.'"

 

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A man goes into a bar for a cold beer. He is sitting next to a nice looking lady and a conversation ensues. "So what's your name" he asks her.

"Carmen" she says. "It used to be Mary Lou, but since I love cars and men, I changed it to Carmen."

"That's a pretty cool idea" the man replies.

The young gal says to him, "So what's your name?"

He thinks for a few seconds and says "Beergolf."

 

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Two long time golfers were standing at the 3rd tee overlooking the river. One golfer looked to the other and said, "Look at those idiots fishin' in the rain."

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A businessman was attending a Conference in Africa.He had a free day and wanted to play a round of Golf. He asked whether there was any course in the vicinity and was directed to one in the jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the Course and advised the Pro that he wanted to play 18 holes.

"Sure," said the Pro, "What's your Handicap?"

"Well, it's 14," said the Businessman, "But I don't see the relevance since I shall be playing alone."

"No, it's very important for us to know," said the Pro. The Pro then called a Caddy. "Go out with this Gentleman," said the Pro, "his handicap is 14."

The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap.However, he paid it no more attention.The Caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large Rifle which he slung over his shoulder.Again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions.

They arrived on the 1st Hole, a Par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the Caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand."That's the most poisonous snake in all Africa," said the caddy, "you're lucky I was here with you."

After taking a bogey on the hole, they moved to the 2nd, a Par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball went slicing away into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy.

The 3rd hole was a Par 3 with a lake in front of the Green.The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the lake.†† He had a shot. However, he had to place one foot next to the lake edge to be able to play.As he was about to chip the ball on to the green, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off his right leg.As he fell to the ground, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side looking on unconcernedly. "Why didn't you shoot it?" cried the man, writhing in pain. "I'm sorry, Sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17thhandicap hole, you don't get a shot here."

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Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad! How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to > stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger Woods says, "You play golf?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."

And Woods says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"

Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night!"

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Two friends are playing golf together. One of them has landed on a dirt track, covered in gravel and sunken stones.

The owner of the ball asked his friend: " Do you mind if I have a drop, I cannot play from here, it's too rough."

"No, I'm sorry, but you have to play the ball as it lies!"

"But I'm going to destroy my club, it's all rocks and gravel."

"Tough, no favors, you play the ball as it lies."

The poor chap stops arguing and takes his first trial swing and of course, gravel and sparks fly everywhere. Second swing, same again.

Finally he feels ready, moves to the ball and hits ... gravel and sparks everywhere, but the ball flies off beautifully, lands on the green and stops inches from the cup.

"My God, what a shot! Which club did you use?"

To which he replied "Your five iron..."

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Two guys are out playing golf. On the first hole, one of them hits his drive right into the water.

He takes a brand new ball out of his bag, tees it up and proceeds to hit the second ball just like the first -- right into the water.

Again he takes out a brand new ball and again the same result.

The other guy looks at him and asks, "Why do you continue to take out brand new balls and hit them into the water? Why don't you use an old ball?"

"I would," the other guy replies, "But I've never had an old ball!"

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A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.

When the first golfer gets to his ball, he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.

"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer.

"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'S#*T!'"

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A blonde guy gets home early from the golf course and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack", cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says "Daddy, Daddy!! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on".

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten bastard", says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked, scaring the kids".

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Having led an interestingly dissolute life composed largely of women, drinking, gambling and golf, but not necessarily in that order, at the end of it, the new arrival was not too surprised to find himself in hell. He was however quite surprised to find that his particular corner of Hell was an eighteen-hole golf course complete with gentle woods, a cool serene lake, well kept fairways, immaculate greens and a clubhouse with the usual professional's shop.

The man's delight was complete when he read the shop's notice:

HELP YOURSELF. ALL EQUIPMENT FREE.

"Well, this is going to be tough to take," he said as he chose a bag containing perfectly matched clubs.

So later he went to the first tee where he took out a driver, gave a delighted practice swing and then felt in the ball pocket. It was empty.

He was about to return to the shop to remedy the situation when he noticed a grinning figure in red.

"Don't mind me," the grin grew wider, "and don't bother going back for balls. There aren't any. That's the hell of it!"

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Paddy and Patrick were very keen Irish golfers, so keen that they decided to go over to America for a game of golf. On the plane they got very excited. However, the captain calls up on the loud speaker and says that one of the engines had cut-off, there was nothing to worry about and the arrival in America would be delayed by 1 hour.

Paddy then said to Patrick, "oh no, we'll miss the pre-match dinner."

Then the captain called up again 10 minutes later and says another engine had gone, but that it was ok and they would be 2 hours late.

Paddy then said to Patrick, "oh no, we'll miss the first three holes."

Again the captain called up telling everyone that the third engine had gone, but that the plane could still make it on one engine, although it would be 3 hours before they reached the airport.

Paddy then said to Patrick, "oh no, we'll miss the front nine."

Then the captain called again and said the final engine had gone.

Paddy then said to Patrick, "oh no, now we'll be stuck up here all night!"

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These two couples play golf together regularly at their club, and on the sixth hole, a par four, the second shot to the green must carry 80 yards over water.

One of the women, Mrs. Smith, for over a year, could never carry the water, and would always hit into it, totally psyched out by the presence of the water.

Her friend in the group suggested that she might want to see a hypnotherapist to overcome her anxiety near the water. So the woman went to a hypnotherapist for four sessions. In those sessions, the woman was hypnotized and the therapist would "plant suggestions" that when playing the second shot on the sixth hole, she would not see water, but rather a plush green fairway leading all the way up to the green.

About six months later, a woman at the club asked whatever happened to Mrs. Smith, that she hadn't seen her playing golf at the club for almost four months now.

She was informed that five months earlier, Mrs. Smith had drowned at the par four sixth!

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Explorer: "There we were surrounded by fierce savages everywhere you looked. They uttered awful cries and beat their clubs on the ground. . . "

Listener: "Golfers, probably."

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Tom was a man who knew all there was to know about golf. He knew all the courses, the champions, their scores, as well as the prize money the professionals had won for the past fifty years or more. He had read every book ever published on the game and knew all there was to know about technique, but, strange to say, he had never played a game.

Having listened to him hold forth for so long his friends finally ganged up on him and insisted that he play a game. It was arranged for the following weekend.

Tom set out with borrowed clubs and faced the eighteen holes of his home course. Five hours later he returned with a score of 53 which included four eagles, nine birdies and a hole in one. Never had anyone seen such a fine performance from a beginner.

However while the celebrations were going on in the clubhouse, Tom announced that he would never play again. "What!" cried his distraught mates. "What!" echoed the equally distraught pro. "But you could win all sorts of prizes for the club. You know everything there is to know about the game."

"Not everything," Tom replied. "The books didn't tell me I'd have to walk."

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"Real golfers, whatever the provocation, never strike a caddie with the driver. The sand wedge is far more effective."
-Huxtable Pippey

 Why is it that single golfers are skinnier than married golfers?

Because after the single golfer plays his round of golf, he has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole, goes home and goes to his refrigerator. When he finds nothing decent there, he goes to bed.

The married golfer on the other hand, has a "refreshment" at the 19th hole after a round of golf, goes home and goes to bed. When he finds nothing decent there, he goes to the refrigerator.

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"Doctor, we've got an emergency! My baby just swallowed my golf tees."

"I'll be there at once." Said the doctor.

"But what should I do until you get here?"

"Practice your putting."

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Fred called his friend in tears. "I can't believe it," he sobbed. "My wife left me for my golfing partner."

"Get a hold of yourself, man," said his friend.

"There are plenty of other women out there."

"Who's talking about her?" said Fred. "He was the only guy that I could ever beat!"

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A guy is waiting on the first tee for the rest of his group to arrive when he spots Bill Gates warming up off to the side.

Thinking this is his lucky day, he walks over and introduces himself; "Mr. Gates my name is Jimmy and I'm entertaining clients on the course today, do you think you could just say hello to me when they arrive? I'd really appreciate it."

Gates says "Sure, no problem!"

A few minutes later Jimmy's group is together and Bill walks over and says "Hey Jimmy! How's it goin?" to which Jimmy says "GET LOST GATES!! Can't you see I'm busy??"

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A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball - don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man sitting on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you - I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

Neither did the wife.

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old are you and your husband, anyway?"

"He's 35 and I'm 33." she replied.

"Amazing.... and you both still believe in genies?"

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A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2 iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him.

He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?"

"Yes, I was," he replied.

St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"

The golfer replied, "You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"

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An Italian, a Frenchman, and a Scotsman were playing golf on a links course when they spotted a stunning mermaid on the shore. They all dropped their clubs and ran down for a closer look.

The mermaid was incredibly beautiful and voluptuous. The Italian, burning with desire, asked the mermaid, "Have you ever been fondled?"

"No, I haven't," whispered the mermaid.

So the Italian walked over and hugged and fondled her warmly.

The mermaid said, "Hmmmm, that's nice."

The Frenchman, not to be outdone, said, "Have you ever been kissed?"

"No, I haven't," answered the mermaid.

So the Frenchman went over and kissed her long and slow. "Hmmmm," sighed the mermaid, "that's nice."

Finally the Scotsman asked her, "Have you ever been screwed?"

"No, I haven't," said the mermaid.

"Well, you have now," said the Scotsman, "cause the tide's out!"

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One day after a hard round of golf Bill decides to go to a bar. While he is having a drink a man comes in the bar carrying a large bag and sits down next to him. While he is asking the bartender for a drink -- music starts to play from the bag. Bill is curious and asks the man where that music comes from. The man willingly pulls out a magic lamp and a little man playing a piano. Bill is amazed! And he asks if the genie would grant him a wish as well. The man told him to go for it, but to be careful what he wished for.

Bill rubbed the lamp and a genie popped out and told the man that he would grant him one wish. The man answers, "I would like a million bucks." The genie asks if he's sure, and Bill answers again, "I want a million bucks."

One by one, a million ducks appear in the bar. Bill was so angry that he starts yelling at the man with the lamp. "I asked for a million bucks what the heck are all these damn ducks doing in here?!" The man simply responded, "You think I asked for a 12 inch pianist."

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Jon and Miguel were out playing golf one day, when suddenly Jon grabs his chest and says, "I think Iím having a heart attack!"

Miguel replies, "It had better be a heart attack because if itís a stroke Iím marking it down!"

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The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods then hit into a few trees then proceeded to hit his next shot across the fairway into more woods.

Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap where he noticed that the club pro had been watching him.

"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied "what game are you playing?"

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A vacationing golfer was out playing on a course that he had never played before. He hired a caddy from the pro shop to show him the layout of the course, and help him decide what shots to play.

On the first tee, the golfer miss hit his shot, and it dribbled forward about 15 yards. He was slightly embarrassed, but determined to play a better second shot. He hit his second shot into the bordering fairway, and his third shot into a sand trap. By the time he holed out on this Par 4, he was 6 over par.

The man turned to his caddy and said, "Well, I have never played this badly before!"

To which the caddy replied, "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."

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Three men were standing on the first tee, about to hit, when a beautiful young woman approached and asked if she could make up a foursome.

Naturally, the men were delighted to have the company of such a stunning female. The young lady was given the honor and preceded to hook her shot into the thick bush.

The first man teed off, caressing his drive 220 yards straight down the center of the fairway. "What a wonderful drive," commented the woman.

"Not bad for a man with a wooden leg," replied the first golfer.

The young lady, disbelief evident on her face, required proof of this handicap. Player 1 promptly sat down and, to the sounds of squeaking and rattling, proceeded to unscrew his leg.

The woman was flabbergasted. The second man then addressed his ball and drove it 250 yards to the left-hand edge of the fairway. Once again the young lady made comment on the magnificence of the drive.

"Not bad for a man with an artificial arm," stated the second golfer. The young lady was skeptical, so player 2, to the sounds of screeching metal, unscrewed his arm as proof. Again the young lady was astounded.

The third man walked up to the tee and monstered his ball 320 yards to the edge of the green. The woman, by now almost speechless, could only manage a muttered, "Unbelievable."

"Thank you," was his reply, "I shall help you look for your ball," he said to the beautiful young lady. The young lady and the third male, set off to search the bush for the lost ball whilst the other two players strolled down the center of the fairway. "I wonder why Bill didn't let on about his artificial heart," said the first male to the second.

Suddenly, the quiet was interrupted by the sounds of moans and groans and rattling scrub. The two players rushed to where the sounds were coming from, and sure enough, there was Bill, screwing his heart out.

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Recently while on a golf trip in North Carolina I was talking to one of the guys on the trip and he related to me how his wife had really been on his case for playing so much golf.

He stated that she had become more and more upset about his ever-increasing golf trips. In a moment of shear frustration, she told him, "You know dear our sex life seems to be non- existent and I think it is because you are always playing golf."

After giving her comment some serious consideration he calmly replied, "Dear, when you start screwing me as much as my golf clubs our sex life will be okay!"

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There was a foursome of ladies about to play a par three, 165 yards long. Suddenly, out from the trees beside the fairway... a streaker ran across the open expanse of the fairway.

In a gasp, one lady remarked "I think I know that guy... isn't that Dick Green?"

"No" replied another, "I think it's a reflection of the grass!"

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Tom and Ted met at their favorite golf course for a round. Ted was about to tee off when he noticed that Tom was holding in his hand a very unorthodox golf ball. What caught his eye was that it had roughly eight colors.

"Say Tom, what kind of ball is that? Iíve never seen so many colors."

Tom replies, "Well Ted this ball is really quite something. If you hit it into the bunker, little wheels pop out and it rolls itself out of the sand. If you hit into the rough, a small blade trims the grass down around the ball. If you hit into the lake a tiny sail unfolds and the breeze will blow it over to you. And if you hit into the deep grass, a beeper will sound and direct you to where it is!"

Ted says, "Thatís terrific, where can I get a ball like that?"

Tom replies, "I donít know Tom; I found this one."

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A married couple was sitting at the dinner table one evening when the wife suddenly broke down in tears. Taken completely by surprise, the husband could barely spit out a "What's wrong?"

"I'll tell you what's wrong," she said. "There's no romance left in our marriage. After all these years, I'm just old news to you. You couldn't care less about me. The only thing you care about is your stupid golf. You haven't cared since the day we got married."

"Oh, honey," he said, taking her hand gently in his.

"How could you say such a ridiculous thing? The day we were married is engrained in my mind like no other day in my life."

"Do you really mean it?" she cried.

"Of course I do," he declared. "How could I forget it? The day before I got my first eagle."

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Robert went to see his doctor. He wasn't feeling well at all. He felt tired, run down, and generally suffering from exhaustion.

"My diagnosis is simply that you are worn out," said the doctor. "I believe you've been playing too much golf."

"Too much golf," exclaimed Robert. "What can I do?"

"You need to take some time off and relax," said the doctor. "My advice to you is to spend some time at the office."

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Son, father and grandfather are playing as a threesome when a beautiful blonde asks to join them. Obviously they agree and all play the round of their lives.

On the last hole, the blonde has a two-foot putt for her best score ever and promises the best night of sexual passion to any of the three who will help her in making her putt.

The son starts and says, "Smooth stroke, uphill, be firm against the grain."

The father then adds, "Break left 2 inches, play the drop".

Grandpa analyzes the situation and tells the beauty, "Your place or mine? That's a gimme."

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A retired physician had a regular routine following his daily round of golf. He would always go to the club bar and order a daiquiri.

All the ingredients had to be measured exactly and if there was even the slightest deviation, he would reject it. In addition, he insisted that his drink be topped off with a half pecan.

One day when the doctor came in for his drink, the bartender was caught without any pecans. He did have some hickory nuts, however, and figured the doctor would not know the difference.

So he put a hickory nut in the daiquiri and handed it to the doctor.

With one sip, the doctor shoved the drink back to the bartender with the exclamation, "THIS IS NOT A PECAN DAQUIRI."

"Why no," exclaimed the bartender, "THAT'S A HICKORY DAQUIRI DOC."

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Two men were out golfing when one man complained to his friend, "My elbow hurts. I better go to the doctor."

"Don't do that," volunteered his friend, "there's a new computer at the drugstore that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer will give you your diagnosis and plan of treatment."

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he took a sample of urine down to the drugstore. Finding the machine, he poured in the urine and deposited $10. The machine began to buzz and various lights flashed on and off. After a short pause, a slip of paper popped out on which was printed: You have Golf Elbow. Soak your arm in warm water twice a day. Avoid heavy labor. Your elbow will be better in two weeks.

That evening, as the man contemplated this breakthrough in medical science, he began to suspect fraud. To test his theory, he mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and teenage daughter. To top it all off, he masturbated into the jar. He took this concoction down to the drugstore, poured it in the machine and deposited $10.

The machine went through the same buzzing and flashing routine as before then printed out the following message: Your tap water has lead; get a filter. Your dog has worms; give him vitamins. Your daughter is on drugs; get her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant, it's not your baby; get a lawyer. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your golf elbow will never get better.

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Steve, Bob and Jeff are out golfing on a cloudy day, when it starts raining furiously. Suddenly, Steve is struck by lightning and is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So, did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob.

"Say, where did you get the six pack?"

Bob informs Jeff, "She gave it to me."

"WHAT??" exclaims Jeff, "You just told her that her husband died and she gave you a six pack?"

"Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'Are you Steve's widow?'

"'Widow?' she said, 'No, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

"So I said: "I'll bet you a six pack you ARE!'"

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Mr. Nicklaus, "Your name is synonymous with golf-You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"

Jack's response? "The holes are numbered!"

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After another poor showing on the golf course, Bob was complaining to Joe.

"Thatís it," he said. "This is all getting me nowhere. I think Iím going to take a golf psychiatry course."

"Why," asked his friend, "so you can improve your mind?"

"No," he said. "So I can find out why Iím letting this stupid game drive me out of it!"

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A beautiful blonde and a young man are paired up at a golf course. At first tee, the blonde looks at the young man and tries to start a conversation saying, "T. G. I. F."

The young man replies, "S. H. I. T."

The blonde replies a little louder, "T. G. I. F."

The young man replies louder, "S. H. I. T."

The blonde replies a even louder, "T. G. I. F."

The young man replies louder, "S. H. I. T."

The blonde replies, "Thank God It's Friday."

The young man replies, "Sorry Honey It's Thursday."

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One day a man went golfing. On the fourth tee he was separated from his friends momentarily, and bumped into a passing demon. "Hey," said the demon, "How'd you like to make a hole in one?"

"What's the catch?" said the man suspiciously.

"It will shorten your sex life by five years," replied the demon.

"Hmmm . . . okay," said the man, and went on to make a spectacular shot, a hole in one, just as ordered. On the next tee, he again bumped into the demon. "How'd you like to make it two holes-in-one, back-to-back?" said the demon.

"It's only been done five times in the history of golf."

"What's the pay back this time?" said the man. "It will shorten your sex life by another twenty years," said the demon.

"I guess," agreed the man, and again he made an amazing shot. All his friends were amazed and people were coming from miles around to see the man who had made two holes-in-one in the same game!

On the next hole, the man again bumped into the demon, who proposed yet again. "Look, another hole-in-one would mean three in a row. It's never been done in the history of the world! C'mon!"

"No problem," said the man, agreeing.

"What do I have to give up this time?"

"You may never touch a person of the opposite sex ever again for the rest of your life." said the demon.

"Okay!" said the man.

He went on to make his third consecutive hole-in-one. ÖAnd that's how Father Jones got into the Guinness Book of Records!

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A group of golfers and a group of tennis players sat in the same train car on the way to a sports convention. Each of the tennis players had his/her train ticket, but it became clear that the group of golfers had only ONE ticket amongst them. The tennis players started laughing and snickering.

One of the golfers said, "Here comes the conductor," and they all went into the bathroom.

The tennis players were puzzled. The conductor came aboard, and said, "Tickets please!" collecting tickets from all of the tennis players.

He then went to the bathroom, knocked on the door and said, "Ticket please." The golfers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and left, and the golfers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later.

The tennis players were impressed. On the way back from the convention, the group of tennis players had one ticket for the group. However, the golfers didn't buy any tickets. The tennis players were once again confused.

One of the golfers said, "Conductor coming!" and, once again, they all went into one bathroom. All of the tennis players scrambled into another bathroom. Just before the conductor came on board, one of the golfers left his bathroom, knocked on the tennis players' bathroom, and said, "Ticket please."

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"I don't know about that new pro," said Dave. "He may be a little strange."

"Why do you think that?" asked Clyde.

"He just tried to correct my stance again."

"So?" said Clyde. "He's just trying to help your game."

"Yeah, I know," said Dave, "but I was standing at the urinal at the time."

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A guy wins the $1,000,000 hole-in-one contest and phones home with the news.

He tells his wife "Pack your bags, I've just won a million dollars!"

To which she replies, "Should I pack summer or winter clothes?"

"I don't care, just don't be there when I get home!" He says

 

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